THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS AND HIS ELVES
Kevin Gets Relief
By now readers will know the routine. There have already been enough hints as to what was due to happen but, just in case, here goes.
Kevin was the first of the visitors to be decanted and he still had his ankles and wrists bound. By now, his discomfort was probably more than he could be expected to endure any longer. Elf Bramblethorn addressed him, “Arms hurt?” Kevin nodded; he didn’t even bother smart-mouthing his captor. Maybe he had calculated the possible cost of doing so.
“Right, I’ll make you more comfortable while we look after your mates. I expect they’re a bit pissed-off with being tied together by now. Alright by you, Wha’s-your-name?” Of course, he knew his name was Kevin but he spotted an opportunity to torment him. He also saw an opportunity for team-building.
There was something that needed addressing first – “Just to stop you getting yourself into trouble”. Kevin thought of resisting as a flashing ball was brought up to his mouth. A quick look round the workshop indicated the inadvisability of that course of action. Elf Bramblethorn forced the squidgy ball into his mouth. Every movement or compression started the thing flashing again. It was one of the Elves favourite ways of ensuring that any gag was suitable festive. Elf Oakwood located a very wide roll of transparent tape. The flashing could still be seen through three layers of the stuff.
“There, that should help you to keep out of trouble.” Kevin settled for a poisonous glare in Elf Bramblethorn’s direction. Elf Bramblethorn returned to his original train of thought. He addressed the assembled residents, “Let’s see, what shall we call this one?”
“I know what I’d like to call him.”
“Now, now, Elf Oakwood, none of your suggestions would be very jolly, would they?”
“True. Over to you, Good Elf.”
“Obvious, really: let’s call him ‘Shorty’. Alright by you, Shorty?” It was far from alright but Kevin had no say in the matter. He settled for a muffled grunt; the gag having seemingly given him licence to try to speak again. “See, he likes that. Don’t you Shorty?” An outraged sort of squeal escaped the trapped ball and the adhesive tape. He looked really pathetic, shaking his head. At least he was not still scrunched up in a ball.
True to his word, Elf Bramblethorn gave Kevin warning of what he was about to do. The little thug was laid face down on the floor. Even after his wrists had been detached from his neck, they were still bound. There was plenty of rope both attached to his wrists and his ankles. Elf Bramblethorn had scope to be very inventive. However, duty called and there were other matters to be attended to. He didn’t need to be too thorough to immobilise Kevin temporarily so he used a quick hogtie. Even that was not too strict and there was plenty of loose rope left over. At least he could use that to secure his subject to a leg of the workbench. Kevin could even flex his tortured arms to a certain extent. It was quite entertaining as his knees flexed and his wrists moved up and down his back. No one present saw any need to blindfold him.
“OK, Shorty, don’t go anywhere. We need to see to these two now.” With that, the twins each got a boot up the bum through their present sack.
Sorting the Twins Out
The Elves decided to set about creating a team of working reindeer. They needed to unpack two other cadet reindeer first.
Four DMs provided ‘gentle reminders’ about behaviour to each of the twins. Following the reminders, it took two elves to tip the temporarily conjoined twins onto the floor. Elf Oakwood wished they had not omitted to gag their outraged guests first.
“Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooooh! Shall we explain things to them again?” Following a much quieter 30 seconds or so, the twins drew breath again. “Again?” Two very similar heads shook reassuringly. The explanations were a little firmer next time. The Elves were almost glad of the opportunity; as I said: they don’t like bullies.
The twins had ended up with Chris on his back and Martin on top of him. Each was desperately trying to avoid facial contact with his twin. “Oh, go on, don’t be shy; give ‘im a kiss.” The reaction seemed to necessitate a further reminder about behaviour. However, Elf Bramblethorn tossed his colleague one of those bouncy balls. It was flashing to a very jolly extent. Those balls had been very good value.
The twins continued sharing the high regard in which they held the Elves with all present. There was a lot of Fairy giggling and Elf smirking.
“They must be talking about you, Elf Bramblethorn.”
“Surely not, sounds more like you, my good friend.”
The twins then resorted to assertions that their parents would report them missing. They were sure that the ‘Old Bill’ would throw the book at their kidnappers. The Elves exchanged knowing looks.
“We’ll explain all that to you later.”
“Yeah, but for now, just shu’ i’.” The twins don’t catch on to anything very quickly and continued.
“Where are we?”
“How do I get free?”
“Who the hell are you pervs in any case?” I think you get the idea. All the while, the twins were pulled upright until they were sitting. Four legs were splayed with Martin’s on top.
Without stopping their intended course, the Elves answered them. “The North Pole.”
“You can’t.”
“And we’re Father Christmas’s Elves in that order.” These were no elves like any they had heard of before. In any case, Elves don’t exist, do they?
“All things shall be discovered unto you.”
“Yeah, bu’ until then, just can it, both of you.”
Like a well-oiled machine, two flashing balls went into two wide-open mouths. Two leather-gloved hands held them in place. A delicate pair of Fairy hands loosened the end of the transparent tape and handed the roll over. The routine continued smoothly until two more bouncy balls flashed behind several layers of tape. The twins’ attempted continuation of their protestations became even more risible.
“Right, now listen up.”
“Yeah, were going to take you home.” The twins seemed to cheer up at that point. What a shame they didn’t really understand what was about to happen.
The Twins’ Home Visit
By now readers will be able to guess the outcome of the visit so I shall skip the detailed description.
For any new readers, however, what follows is an outline of the twins’ outing.
Elf Oakwood decided that both twins should be able to fit in Donner’s sidecar.
“Shouldn’t we put them in a present sack first?”
“No need. Not December yet.”
“Just Christmas pillow-cases then?”
“Yeah, must keep our secrets somehow.” Two festive pillow cases were found, one for each head. They were white with little robins all over them and festive ribbons round the openings. They look jolly when full of presents and hanging at the feet of children’s beds. They don’t look quite so jolly once they have been jammed over yobbos’ heads. The ribbons did, however facilitate pretty bows under their chins.
Elf Bramblethorn took the seats out of the sidecar and the twins were hefted into it. It seemed to be Chris’s turn to have his legs on top but they were not splayed as much. Chris’s his elbows were forced forwards so that the lid could be closed.
Elf Oakwood strode the front seat and Elf Bramblethorn rode pillion. The 500 cc Kwaka was kicked into action - this was a vintage machine, no fancy electric ignition. The journey to the twins’ home seemed to take an hour or so but, of course, that was not NP time*.
When the lid was flipped, the twins were in their bedroom but didn’t recognise any of the furniture. It seemed to be a girl’s bedroom. Readers will probably be aware what had happened. They had never lived there. Their parents still lived in that cosy little cottage that their Gran left them. They had no need of anywhere bigger because, of course, the twins did not exist. That was scary. Even more scary was when the Elves took them to the cottage. Sure enough, there were their parents sleeping peacefully. There were no signs of any photographs of the twins nor any other sign that they existed.
On the return journey, the Elves did their best to explain the twins’ situation to them. By the time they had reached HQ(NP), they nearly understood their dilemma. They were certainly quieter.
Donner was returned to Elf Bindweed’s workshop where there seemed to be a minor party under way. The twins were disembarked and Donner was returned to the stables. Obviously, the whole journey had taken only a few minutes of NPST (North Pole Standard Time). The two cadet reindeer were ignored until Elf Oakwood returned. In the meantime, Kevin had been invited to join the party.
*See
‘temporal dimorphism’ eariier on.
TBC