TUG in My Life, and As Part of My Identity (NB/Self)

[PepperFugita]

Hi again people. Today’s post will be a little different, it will not be about a specific play, but about my life in general. I will talk about many things, life, sexuality, gender, and how all this is intertwined with bondage and TUG. I will try my best to not make this text a complete mess, and to write something intelligible, without rambling excessively.

This story starts in the most cliché way possible and is something that anyone can relate. As many can imagine, my involvement in this subject starts already in the childhood, where I would see people tied up in TV shows, movies and cartoons, mainly women, the so called DIDs (Damsels-In-Distress).
Since I was a child, I looked to these scenes in a different way. In my child head, I can’t describe if it was fascination, curiosity, but I felt strangely attracted to this kind of thing.

After seeing these scenes, I started to wonder about how is to be in the place of these women, how it is to be subdued by someone else, and be at their mercy.
It was nothing sexual at principle, it was just a slight reverie, a shy daydream, and I never discussed about it with anyone, not only because I am a ridiculously introverted and awkward person, but also because, as a child, in your innocence, you don’t put any kind of reflection about those things, it just flows through your mind, and you tend to see it as something normal, of the common sense.

This always gone hand in hand with other thing that I always had, that was about walking barefoot and seeing other people walk barefoot in general. Then, when you united these two things, barefoot people tied up (principally later, when I would discover the hogtie with the toe tie), I got even more curious about all this.

Time fled, my little awkward life would go on, without anything interesting about it. So, let’s skip some years, we’ll specifically jump to when I was 13.
I never felt any kind of romantic/sexual urge until that moment, while everyone already had many kinds of experiences, like kissing and dating, I kept being a very lonely person, that didn’t put much thought about these things. I even considered the possibility that I was Ace, because all this was really awkward for me, and I always felt out of place.

I always was a person that liked very much of videogames and would constantly search about the topic on the internet, until I found a video on YT called “Weird Videogame Villains”. The title is self-explanatory, a compilation of Videogame Antagonists that had something strange about them, design, boss fight, lore, etc. (Why am I talking about this? You’ll already understand.)
At one moment, they would mention “Psycho Mantis”, of the Metal Gear Solid series, where was mentioned that he had clothing and design inspired by BDSM culture. They mentioned more the part of bondage, and when they described that it had something about people being tied up I’ve ran to the internet make extensive research about it.

Then I discovered all this world of kink, and a bunch of other things. At this moment, I would start to discover myself. I constantly accessed sites and blogs about all this in the next years, constantly read about experiences, techniques, culture and the community itself, it was a subject of extensive research (also discovered that I have some kind of foot fetish and erotic asphyxiation fetish.)
But it didn’t stop there. When my family wasn’t looking, or when they were out, I would dedicate this time to test some things I’ve seen. I started shyly, utilizing shoelaces of old tennis and shoes to bind myself, some time after, I started to use blindfolds, and gag myself with tape and cloth. These were pretty good and thrilling experiences, and it always made me feel so free and soft.

Then, as time slowly crawled, I would start to discover myself as an LGBTQIA+ person, more specifically as a queer person. I would always idealize myself as being someone that isn’t perceived as boy or a girl, and I would start to get into crossdressing. I identified as a Trap in the beginning, but then I learned that it was a LGBTphobic slur and stopped using it.
So, I started to do self-bondage while I was crossdressing, and it felt even better. The euphoria that all this gave me was amazing, I discovered a new world of feelings and sensations combining these two things. I've never felt so fulfilled until that moment, my mind would always go full cloud nine when I was doing this... so good.
And then, few months later, femboys blew up the forums bubble, becoming a giant meme, then an aesthetic and community in general internet. I declared myself a femboy by that time, and would consume much femboy bondage. But I always would go further in this, I really wanted to be perceived as a person of another gender, just being a feminine boy wasn't enough.

Then, I started to discover myself as a bisexual (mostly male inclined) person, slowly entering in the world of sex and sexuality. Where, by the first time I started to fantasize about sex, principally about anal sex and penetration, with me always being the sub in the relation.
The most frequent vision that I would have, would be seeing myself, in female undies, with my ankles and wrists tied very tightly, blindfolded, gagged, while a man relentlessly ravished me, making me twitch and moan wildly until my orgasm. Today, I know the existence of strap-on, and would accept anyone to ravish me, with an organic penis or a strap-on.

I would still believe that all this crossdressing thing, and principally being perceived as something that isn’t male, was just a simple fetish of mine and nothing more than it, a performatic element to bring me closer the experience of being a damsel. All this process reached to its peak, when the discussions about gender theory started to sparkle on society, becoming a subject of general debate.
Then, I had the realization that I don’t identify myself as a male in fact, and I also don’t see myself as a female binarily, even with the fact that I tend to adopt more female related traits. I discovered myself as a Non-Binary person. I’m already transitioning, and need to say, my life got ridiculously better with it, I always struggled with mental health and socialization, and all these issues got a lot easier to deal when I assumed my gender.

But, when things come to the bedroom, I have no doubt. Sorry for all of you (I see that people usually tend to be inclined to scenarios with female or female leaning doms), but I am a usual subbie damsel that loves to surrender herself to her partner, be subdued, feeling all the helplessness of the situation, feeling that my lover owns me in all senses, and that he can do anything with my body and me in bed. Basically, realizing my childhood dream of being a DID.
I started also to dive deeper into my kinks, having something that we call “kink unfolding”. Nowadays, in addition to being a Rope Bunny, I’m also a Masochist and Degradee.

Today I’m fully into BDSM and couldn’t be happier. All this was the first step for me to discover what I am, how I see myself, and which is my place in this whole wild world.

[ZiptieFanatic]

Great analysis of the cross between identity and queerness and bondage. I also feel like my Identity is somewhat tied up (ahem) in my tying up. Great post

[PepperFugita]

It's always good to meet more people that feel this way