Lock-In Tales: Bert and Ernie (M/Ffm)

[KP Presents]

You have to admit, Ernie, this lockdown period has led to some very unusual and fruitful opportunities for people like us.

Indeed I do, Bert, indeed I do. And what has proved even more intriguing has been the fact that, as a regretful but necessary part of our enterprises, we have had to ensure families could not raise the alarm.

Quite so, but the ways we have had to do this have been a little more diverse these last few weeks. After all, we started the period just after we made the sleepover for that family a total immersive experience, as the advertisements said.

And taught the young man of the house how to have fun as well. But the first one that comes to mind Bert were the two sisters who came down to breakfast to find we has secured their mother to a chair at the table, covered her mouth with tape, and were about to search the house.

That’s right – there was an eleven year old girl with long dark hair, wearing a grey top with a big red heart on the front, and red pants with white polka dots. Then there was the seven year old - long blonde hair and pink pajamas with white sheep on them.

Their mother was scared we were going to hurt them – but that’s not our way, is it Ernie?

Indeed not Bert – we told them we had to make sure they could not escape, so we let them have a drink of milk and then walked them back to a room that looked like a den come play room. You took the older girl, I took the younger one.

I asked her to sit on a blue plastic stool, and picked up four skipping ropes that were on the floor. She put her wrists down on her upper legs, and I used one of the ropes around her legs and wrists to secure them to each other. The next skipping rope went round her arms and upper body, the third round her legs below her knees, and then one more round her ankles.

While you were doing that, I tied her sister’s wrists together behind her back with some white tape, and then had her sit on a brown wooden chair before I taped her ankles together. Then I wound the tape round the chair seat and her legs so that she was held in place – at least for a while.

I then used a thin brown belt that was on the floor as a cleave gag to keep her quiet. What did you use for the younger sister Ernie?

Some red tape that was on the floor. Once they were both secured, we did a search of the house, then left them to try and get free.



But I have to say Bert, as cute and cooperative as those girls were, the brothers in the house we visited the next week?

Oh yes – that was a challenge in a number of ways. We actually met them as soon as we entered the house – the oldest boy was about thirteen I reckon, and he was wearing a pair of light blue football shorts – and nothing else. Granted, it was one of the hottest days of the period…

And he was arguing with his brother – nine years old, short hair, in a yellow top with white and black stripes on the sleeves, and black shorts with white and yellow stripes. As I recall, they were arguing about who was the best escape artist, right?

That’s right – when we asked where their parents were, they said their mother was working upstairs, and their father was away – he was a driver. So we said we had a way to get them to answer their dispute, if they did what we said.

The masks and guns helped persuade them to take part – so the older kid sat on a dark brown chair, his brother on a lighter wood one, and we both took a full length of washing line each, before we got to work.

They were both tied to the chair backs, the rope going round and round them, as well as holding their wrists together in front of them, and then around the chair seat before their legs and ankles were secured together. The young kid had his legs hanging over the edge of the seat, his feet going up and down, while his brother was secured with his feet on the floor.

And then we used a pair of clean socks to keep them quiet, while we went and had a word with their mother.

But we didn’t leave them alone – we brought their mother down, having secured her with another skein of washing line, and gagged her with a scarf, before leaving her on a couch to officiate their escape challenge.

That wasn’t the only PE we helped out with either – another house we visited turned out to have four girls staying, and trying to pass the time – and one of them had volunteered to be the damsel in distress.

She was also the youngest of the four – when we came in, she was sat in an old chair, wearing a yellow sundress that buttoned up the front, and tied up with two green plastic skipping ropes. One was tied round her ankles, one round her wrists and legs.

Like the other young girl, right?

Right – but they had put brown packing tape over her mouth to keep her quiet.

Her three friends?

Yup – blondie wearing a white t-shirt with blue sleeves and a matching short skirt, a redhead wearing denim bib shorts and a white top, and the third one wearing a blue strapless top and shorts. I asked if they we replaying a game, and they all nodded – then they all stayed silent as I covered their mouths with the tape as well.

I got the feeling the kid in the chair was not the most willing of participants, form the way she laughed as we made all three of them lie on the floor, and tied their wrists and ankles with rope.

And then made sure she joined them.

Yeah, we did – and you kept an eye on them after Mummy came in, and she took me round the house before she joined them as well. All five of them challenged to escape.

But we did make it a bit harder – tying their wrists and ankles to each other.

Well, it wouldn’t be right to make it too easy, would it?

One of the most interesting visits was when we call in the early evening.

The sleepover?

We’ll get to that – but I was thinking of the family we interrupted at bedtime last week. The four kids?

Oh yeah – we walked in on them watching television with their mother, while their father was away on business and could not get back. Two boys – an eleven year old wearing a blue Toy Story onesie, and an eight year old in grey and pink check pajamas.

And twin girls, I’d guess about ten years old, one wearing pink pajama bottoms and a yellow top, and the other yellow bottoms and a pink top. Well, they screamed when they saw us, but we soon got them calmed down and they watched as I tied Mummy’s wrists together behind their back, and we walked them up to their bedrooms – the boys first?

That’s right – And once they knew we were going to tie them up, they insisted they wanted to be different from the girls, so I fished some black tape from my bag. First step was some strips over their mouths, then I taped the older boy’s wrists together in front of him, and the younger boy’s hands and fingers.

A bit unusual Ernie?

True Bert, but it made sense. I then wrapped tape round their waists and arms, so they could not lift their hands up, then got them to lie on the bed and taped their ankles and legs – and then we went to the girls’ room.

I picked up a couple of long striped scarves from the floor, and once they were both lying on the bed next to each other I used them to secure their wrists and ankles. I then covered their mouths with white tape.

We then took Mummy for a walk, and left her tied and gagged n her bedroom. They seemed to have fun at any rate.

Almost like a Silent Night visit?

Exactly Ernie – and we got to do that sort of visit as well when we called on one wealthy family home.

You know, Bert, I wonder if you feel bad about some of the visits, given the parents were key workers?

I do a little – and that’s why we contribute to the charities, Ernie. Anyway – the surgeon’s family?

His wife was a home worker, and they had three kids –

The boy was thirteen, the older girl twelve, and the younger girl ten. We – interrupted Mum at her laptop, allowed her to complete the business she was conducting without raising the alarm, then taped her wrists behind her back and her arms to her sides before we covered her mouth with silver tape, and started to walk her round the house – and we found the children working in the dining room.

Her son was wearing a grey sweatshirt and jeans, the older girl a grey jumper with a bird print on the front and a grey skirt, and the second girl a pink t-shirt and shorts. One look at their mother told them what was happening, and they didn’t say a word.

Mainly because the first thing you did was put silver tape over their mouths as well, Bert.

True, Ernie, true. Anyway, I also taped their wrists together in front of them, as well as their ankles and their legs – and then you saw the camera, and suggested a suitable photograph of the occasion – as a way of making sure they stayed together as well.

So you made all of them jump into the front room, and got the boy to sit on the coffee table – then his sisters either side of him. I then wound the silver tape round all three of them to hold them together, and got them to smile while you took the picture.

At which point, you told them to sit still, and we took Mum round the house before bringing her back, and taping her legs as she lay on the floor.

We did make a large donation after that trip, true enough. But why don’t we finish on the sleepover Bert.

Why not – so the context. Now, this may have been a little naughty given the restrictions, but when we entered this particular house we surprised Mum and her nine year old daughter. The kid was wearing a red Sooty t-shirt over a white one, floral leggings and socks – and when we explained we were here to rob the house, her first words were what about the sleepover?

We both looked at her mother, who blushed and admitted three friends from the houses nearby were coming round. Well, we’re not in position to make amoral judgement on that, but we did say we’d have to make sure none of the girls could raise the alarm – starting with her.

So I found some rags, and used a green one to tie the girl’s wrists together in front of her, and a cream coloured one to tie her ankles together. I then used the third rag – a clean white one – and told her to open her mouth as I pushed it in to keep her quiet.

That was when the first of her “guests” arrived – we got her mother to let her in, and you had to hand gag her while she explained what was going on. She was wearing a peach top and pants, and white socks – so you used the red tape to secure her wrists in front of her, her arms to her sides, then her ankles and her legs.

Finally, you covered her lips with strips of the tape, then helped her to sit next to the first girl. They looked at each other and then started trying to talk – without much success – while I took Mum to get the snacks and drinks.

Because no sleepover is complete without snacks and drinks?

Exactly – even if they cannot eat or drink them to begin with. Anyway, the doorbell went – and you took Mum to bring the next girl in.

Now she was also about nine years old, wearing a pale blue vest top and shorts with a picture of the classic Minnie Mouse look on her vest – and she saw me with the mask on, and just said she had been robbed before, and she wouldn’t cause any trouble if we didn’t hurt her. Well, we don’t hurt kids – but I did use blue tape to secure her wrists, arms, ankles and legs, and then wind it round her head to keep her quiet, before she jumped into the front room and sat next to the other two, while you and Mum brought the things in.

Which left one more guest – and she came in a few minutes later. She was wearing a cream t-shirt and a blue denim skirt – and she actually seemed to be excited to be involved. So we used some canvas belts to secure her wrists and ankles, and clear tape over their mouths – then left them to try to talk and watch a film while Mum showed us round.

She also changed into some pajamas, and when we brought her back down we had bound her arms and upper body with rope, and used a rolled up scarf as a cleave gag. Her daughter looked at her, and then pushed the rag from her mouth before she asked if all four of them could be like her mother.

The other three girls nodded, so we untied their arms and ungagged them, then let them talk and eat and drink – before we re-tied them with their hands behind their backs, cleave gagged them, and then secured their legs in the same way – after a toilet break.

After all Bert, comfort is important.

Indeed it is Ernie – Indeed it is…